Monday, May 20, 2013

Getting Real

Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

Get real, huh?

Here's real for you...I struggle with trust. It is so difficult at times that my whole body feels like it is in knots. It is so hard to trust once it has been broken. Have you ever felt that completely raw feeling of wanting to trust but feeling like it is impossible? I struggle with it daily. It is the most horrible, despicable feeling.

It's not just one person that I don't trust. I have been hurt so deep that I struggle with trusting every. single. person. I come in contact with. That seems weird to type it out but it is true. I want to feel that carefree feeling I used to feel. That feeling of giving people the benefit of the doubt. This is a horrible place to be stuck.

God tells us to trust Him. Can I share a secret? I don't even trust Him. If I did, I wouldn't struggle so much. The reality is, all people make mistakes. All people have the ability to cause tremendous pain on someone else. We are supposed to trust God to take care of our lives no matter what. Now my struggle comes in with the reality that God lets bad things happen.

So what? Does that mean I just want a perfect life? I don't feel like I do. I am pretty easy to please. I just want peace. I want to feel like I can plan for a future. I want to feel safe to share my heart or my hurt. I want to not always think about how every one else feels and think about myself. Selfish? Probably. Yes, it is. We are supposed to die to ourselves.

(Do you get this weird feeling that I am having a conversation with myself? Yeah, me too.)

Well that is my struggle. Not having a conversation with myself (I know, I am such a comedian!) but with trust. Every single relationship in the world is based on trust and I've lost mine. That kind of stinks. No, that REALLY stinks!


Aunt Kelly said...

I think we may be twins. Trust is a very hard thing to get back once it is broken, but, we all do things that cause someone else not to trust us. It is a human fault we all have. I understand your non trust, but, you are also in the genetic line of me and Grandma and we tend to trust too much and give many chances because we want to believe people are basically good, which is why we get hurt so much. It is okay to question our feelings, just don't let them overtake your peace of mind...easier said than done. But, keep expressing those feelings, talk about them and then find a box to put it in and leave it there. I have come to a point in my life where I can forgive, but, I will never forget. If we forget, we will continue in the same path that has caused us so much grief. So, you are left with forgiving and still loving that person or people, but, it is different and the key is must accept the situation and find a way to deal with it. Find a box for it :-) Love you <3

Vonnie Parris Mariol said...

You just put tears in my eyes. I love you with all my heart. Listen to aunt kelly, she said it better than I would have.


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